You can spot them a mile off — the legendary EasyJet Tradesmen. They’re the blokes who left the UK as Darren Who Once Put Up a Billy Bookcase, and landed in Alicante three hours later as Darren, Fully Qualified Master Builder, Plumber, Electrician, Roofer, Landscaper, Dog Whisperer, and Occasional DJ.
Their tools?
A rusty drill, a half-used tube of No More Nails, and that YouTube video they watched in 2014 titled “How to Fix Literally Anything in 10 Minutes.”
Their qualifications?
A “can-do attitude” (translation: clueless), a Facebook page with a stolen profile photo of somebody else’s immaculate patio, and the confidence of a man who thinks plastering is just “posh Pritt Stick.”
These are the heroes who’ll promise you a new kitchen by Friday…
…then disappear until mid-October because “the supplier messed them about”, “the van broke down”, or “the dog got sunstroke.”
Meanwhile, your kitchen looks like a crime scene, your electrics are one wrong sneeze away from blowing the house up, and the quote they gave you has magically increased by 400% because “materials have gone up, mate.”
They move through expat communities like travelling salesmen from the Wild West — except instead of dodgy potions, it’s dodgy tiling, wobbly decking, and plumbing so questionable it should come with a disclaimer.
And the best bit?
There’s always someone who defends them:
“He’s a lovely lad!”
Yes, Margaret, but he’s also installed your toilet backwards.
These are the EasyJet Tradesmen:
Arrive as tourists.
Rebrand as experts.
Leave chaos in their wake.
God bless ’em.
